Monthly Archives: October 2014

19 Reasons not to Date Online

Red Zone

My original thought was to provide 10, but this week’s offers have added to the list.

#1 – 4: The VERY young looking for cougars….whether they say so or not. 

19 really                                           cougar

another 20 something                                         cougar2

Note #4’s blacked out screen… yep.. only 25, in a relationship, and already planning to cheat.

#5 – 7 The youngish looking for “fun.” Let me guess the meaning of “fun” in this context.  

for fun

young5

I am twice his age! “Sweet girl?”

not you              Let me analyze this photo. He’s from MD, but his message arrived in the height of summer. The blurry photo indicates a wife/girlfriend. With or without kiddies, he was here on vaca and he wanted a little side action. I am sure this message was sent out scatter-shot.

8-10. The young and partially clothed. 

young 3youngyoung 4

I might have brought these on myself.  My profile clearly states I am looking for a fit guy. However, I do mention that intelligence comes first.

I love that Chris, in the message attached with the final photo, let’s me know he has his own place.  Just in case I’m secretly married, or could it be I might be ashamed of bringing such a young, fit stud to my place? He’s also looking for “fun now.” Again, in this context, it isn’t to difficult to define “fun.”

11-14. Older guys are no better

Allmeforu56 has sent a clearly much copied introduction with which he hopes to lure some woman to his yahoo account. The photo shows him holding a child… to allow the reader to see him as a family man?  I forget where he said he was from, but I saved the photo as: Distance is no Object, so…. far, far away.

distance no object

hi dearie

“Dearie?” Who uses that term?  A skeezy guy trying to lure the naive to his attic to view etchings? The child molester offering candy and asking for help finding a lost puppy?

And the next guy… face shot to the left, and one of his other shots on the right. I bet he would like to meet for the learning experience.

Im what                                       i am what 2

 

And there’s this guy:

im too sexy for my shirt

“I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt/ so sexy it hurts” …. my eyes to look.

15. Not quite sure what he’s looking for. Yeah… this is one guy. 

sithpiratestonehenge

Perhaps he seeks a seamstress to help with costuming?   

16. Cleavage shot

hey baby connect the tattoos

One of my friends who saw this shot noted he has more cleavage than she does. And face it… this guy is WAY too sexy for his shirt, too sexy for his shirt.

(mwhahahahaha I had never seen this video before. )  

17. Father and daughter?  Girlfriend and boyfriend? Husband and wife?

hair and not to be all judgy and shit… but THAT hair?

18. Sigh…

I MUST pay more attention before conversing.  Loverboyyyy4u… Why did I bother responding to someone with that name?  OK… I’ll admit it.  I only looked at his photos, thought, “cute,” and then replied to his very sane and articulate initial message. The following 32 messages were innocuous introductory fluff… and then … What the Hell?

sugar what

19. and finally, the Pièce de Resistance: double sigh and a huffy breath too!  

tattoofreak

I am not looking for a guy with facial tattoos. Who knew I needed to state that?

Intentional Date

Red Zone

After several weeks of sporadic texts, State Trooper sent a text to  invite me to see a band at Manhattan’s. I like Borderline Crazy, and my evening plans were going to end around 8, so it was a good offer for a slow evening.  I agreed.

When I walked in, he was holding a seat at the corner of the bar for me providing a view of the whole room.  He remembered I liked to people watch.  We started the evening creating story lines about the skinny bearded man we labeled a meth addict and the drunken women opposite us.  From there, our stories really didn’t get any better.

The familiar opening riff, and then, Michelle’s crooning “Blister in the Sun” brought us to the floor. I must say, I love that song. The pop beat is great for dancing… and the lyrics  … Well….warped.  Can you believe this one hit wonder was used to promote Wendy’s … way back in the day? I have never liked fast food anyway… but this unappetizing mix turned me away from even baked potatoes if they were served at a fast food joint. State Trooper held his own through the energetic transitions.

Anyway, we sat, and chatted, and he canoodled.   And I didn’t resist. He’s interesting. There’s a brain inside that brawn.

At the end of the evening, we walked past my car so could “show me his truck.” Except that’s exactly what he meant. Some people are house proud. Not State Trooper, at least to my knowledge. He’s truck proud. While he was extolling it’s virtues, he started it up.

Startled, I turned to look at him. He laughed, ” Calm down. I’m just driving you to your car. I won’t abduct you.”

Wellll, I knew that, but … uh… what is the exact social protocol for such situations?  I handled it with a kiss goodnight and later an “I’m home” as requested. I even added a, “Thank you for the invitation and drinks,” for good measure.

Enchanting Steve

Steel Blue’s favorite raw bar is going down. The building is being razed, and a new super complex is going in complete with upscale restaurants and bars, a parking garage, boutiques, and apartment homes. At the beach! We need another building the size of a square block! So on 15th Street Raw Bar’s last night, the neighborhood converges for a final soiree. There go the coldest drinks and freshest seafood within a budget at the beach. Upwards of 300 people pass through on this beautiful, fall, Friday night, the last one with the best bartenders and wait staff at the beach: Jesse, Amber, Mindy, SaraBeth, and Tammy. Where will I see Jeff, Larry, Joe, Scott, Debbie, Amy now? Steel Blue runs into several long lost “neighbors”, including enchanting Steve (ES). We hung out some last year, playing pool and cornhole extremely well and laughing a lot. ES is built like a young sailor, but he is quite a bit older than Steel Blue. He is short without the short man’s complex, always dresses nicely in high end beach wear, cotton shorts and Polo shirts usually with flipflops even though he rides a bicycle for hanging out locally. His easy laugh and enchanting eyes draw in Steel Blue.

We talk for hours so I can learn that he fell off the side of the earth last year because he got back together with his ex-girlfriend right after our last party. He is still very into Steel Blue; he puts his arm across my shoulders, looks me square in the eyes, leans into me when we are talking and especially when we are laughing. At one point he states, “You are yummy.” What does that mean? I just smile and nod boys. He offers to hold me tonight promising no funny business, just cuddling unless I start something. I inform him that I cannot make those kinds of promises. I will not tell you, Gentle Reader, how long it has been, and of course I did not tell him. Suffice it to say that I probably will not be platonic with a man in my bed. But settling for just sex when I already know he has a girlfriend? He assures me he does not love her, and she knows it. He doesn’t even know why she stays around. Oh yes, I want some of that! A man who doesn’t have the balls to say goodbye to me last year, and hasn’t grown them yet to say goodbye to his current admirer? Oh hell no. Even though Steel Blue is ready for a two-legged pet, I do not share. At all. Is this year a test to see if I will settle?

Super Dancer Male, screech!

Another few days of texting, and when SDM asks Steel Blue out for the next Monday, I’m suspicious. Am I the Monday night girl? Who gets the weekends? Is he married? In a relationship? Steel Blue is a Christian, and married men are off the table. Even if it’s over…… or whatever they say to lure in us fools. So I am busy every night that week. He calls Wednesday night and asks me out for Saturday. We are both busy Friday night, but we may meet up after our respective parties. More texting until Friday night; Friday night, nothing. He is surprisingly quiet. Saturday morning is the first morning in a month Steel Blue has not received a text from SDM. When I hadn’t heard from him midway through the college football game that afternoon, I told my friends I was being stood up. And sure enough, no calls or texts that day. At all. First day in a month and our first weekend date. Hmmm.

Sunday morning Steel Blue receives a good morning text from SDM inquiring about her weekend. And I quote, “Hey there! Whew…I was in a coma yesterday…I am way too old for that kind of drinking…How’s your weekend going?” Really?! 4 weekends in a row?! Steel Blue is not one to text angrily, but I am peeved. I will not answer. I confer with my wise sister a few hours later who recommends that Steel Blue not write him off immediately, but train him in the proper way to treat a woman worth having. So I reply, “Even in a coma it would be common courtesy to send a text to cancel plans you made with me for Saturday night instead of standing me up. That’s how my weekend is going. Enjoy your day!” Immediately SDM replies, “Holy crap…1000 pardons, totally slipped my mind….Again, sorry….

Are you for freaking real? A texted, weak apology? I slipped your mind? Gentle Readers, you know exactly how Steel Blue is feeling right now.

But when my blood pressure came back down, I started to second guess myself. Maybe I shouldn’t have held the bar so high; maybe I should not have insisted he grow a pair and call me instead of texting. Maybe I should have let him move a little faster. No, gentle reader. That bar was not too high. It’s only beginning to be high enough. Can you imagine falling in love with SDM only to find out he’s at best an alcoholic, at worst married? Cut and run I say. Delete. Next.

Bucket List

Part of Steel Blue’s bucket list almost came true this week! A man in a car just like mine was chatting me up at a stoplight. Steel Blue was on her way to a work meeting at Sonoma, a hot spot complete with a sommelier and ice cold beer. When convertible Dan asks Steel Blue to pull over and chat a minute, I figure, what have I got to lose? Which is exactly how he persuaded me. I tell convertible Dan I will follow him (not my smartest idea to date). He intelligently pulls into a very public parking lot of a furniture store. While I am turning my car around for my third try into the parking space next to his, he says, “Park it already!” Really, you’re going to tell me what to do already? He is a short, Jewish, bossy New Yorker, and commences talking about himself – his sales pitch ready to go. I tell him I only have about three minutes because I am on my way to a work meeting. He is dressed in a shirt and tie, nice pants and dress shoes. His hair is shoulder length, a handsome mix of salt and pepper, but all one length and combed back over a receding hairline. Very obviously a successful business man who needs a woman’s touch, and a new haircut.

After he sings his praises for seven minutes, I excuse myself because I really hate being late. He gives me a business card and presses me to call him right now. He hands me some tchotchke – Hebrew word for swag – which is what he sells. He is hell bent on Steel Blue calling him right now; he promises he won’t bother me, but he wants my number. I smile and wave boys. Three times in that 7 minute “conversation” he gives me orders. Besides how to park, and to call him right now, he tells me we should switch vehicles. They are identical! The red flags are a flying, even though I have always secretly wanted to get picked up on the road for a quickie. This one is not going to be it. Close the bucket list for a few minutes Steel Blue. But it was quite spontaneous for Steel Blue!

Super Dancer Male – the Saga Continues

SDM and Steel Blue are texting pretty regularly this week. He asks about a dinner and a movie for the following Monday night. It’s a school night, but I figure he’s worth getting to know. Denzel Washington is attractive as ever; the movie is engrossing but not too gross, the food is delicious, and SDM is a fabulous kisser! Now I’m not big on PDA’s, but in a movie theater? Who cares? It wasn’t making out kissing, just sneaking one in every now and then, like he couldn’t help himself. LOL. He is dressed nice, he has a big, silver F450, and he is comfortable in his skin. You know? Like not seeming to be trying to impress me, just friendly with a comfy kiss every now and then. We held hands after we finished eating. Good, strong hands with a comfortable grip. Hands you can wrap your fingers in.

Another few days of texting, and SDM asks if I am interested in dinner and a movie with snuggling the following Monday at my house. I promptly answered, “We are nowhere near snuggling; we are still texting.” He called the next day. By then I had found a movie I wanted to go see at the bistro again. I let him pick me up, and he had a drink while I finished grading one last paper; there is always just one more thing. Another interesting evening of good conversation, finger food, tempting kisses, and a good night kiss that almost didn’t end. It’s amazing how far one phone call will go! But alas, it’s a school night, so I push him out the door with a thank you and a wink.

Sunday I am driving near SDM’s neighborhood, so I call to see if he wants to have an impromptu lunch. He is sick from drinking too much the night before. Fourth time I’ve received that answer on a weekend. He either has digestive issues or a drinking problem.

Super Dancer Male

SDM is a very attentive texter. Texting does not excite Steel Blue; I am very honest about it up front. His first text, “I know you prefer voice over data…ha…like that? Music too loud though…so just wanted to say it was nice meeting ya…and the shaking our ass’s was okay too. LOL.” Every morning between his workout and work, he sends a few chatty, witty texts. He has nicknames for everyone, so mine begins to emerge… trouble, sexy professor, troublemaker. And he doesn’t even know me! But he does text every day, am and pm, like on the way to work and on the way home. Steel Blue is beginning to look forward to his texts; he’s always complimentary and funny. There is a lot of smiling going on. The following weekend is the Music Festival at our beach we have taken back from the tourists, LOL; not really, but the local music draws a local crowd. Steel Blue, Girlfriend, SDF, and some friends are going to listen to the Blue Lords and Atlanta Rhythm Section. I invite SDM to join us, and he does show up an hour late. But he is ready to drink and ready to dance. What a cool feeling! Steel Blue had been very nervous about the crowd so near my healing knee, but once SDM arrived, he figuratively put his arm around me and protected me. I was able to relax and really enjoy the music. Steel Blue is not used to relying on other people; being a single mom will force you to be pretty independent. So it has been a while since anyone has protected me. He sat on the outside so people walking by wouldn’t trip on my knee but his. When we stood and danced, he moved behind me. The man’s job is to profess, protect, and provide. This one seemed to be able to do all three fairly well.