Monthly Archives: September 2014

Accidental Date (I’m Counting It)

Red Zone

Last weekend I went to see a band called Crazy X with my sister. I met she, her husband, and several of their friends at Manhatten’s.

I’ve known most of her friends for at least a couple of years. One guy, THE-man for years, as he is a good friend of my brother-in-law. Lately, he’s been causing some awkward scenes. Two weekends ago, while at her pool party, he asked when I was going to take off my t-shirt and shorts to show off my sexy body. Last weekend, he sat next to me and chatted amiably, but one of the women mentioned, “ohhhh he likes you.”  Yeah… I know… and it’s awkward. He’s a great guy in many ways; however, despite being NOT my type (short and a smoker), he has other RED FLAG alerts that should warn any woman away. He lives with his mother and has for years. He has had 2 major tickets, both involving intoxication, and one was for driving the wrong way down the interstate while doing over 80. Soooooooooo… not the best option, you know?

We headed inside, and my sister and I were surrounded by the other guys, all of whom were over 6’. Standing to watch the band, THE-man moved behind me and started to dance. I stepped forward out of his grasp, turned to face him, and continued dancing until the song ended. Then I moved to the left, and away from his “circle.” After another beer, he was back. By this point, I was dancing with the 6’4” state trooper with the shaved head. Nice guy.

I’ve known State Trooper a while, not as long as THE-man, but several years. I was bemused when he too placed his hands at my waist and started dancing. He NEVER dances; however, song after song, he managed to keep a beat and avoid the prom rock. THE-man looked a bit peeved despite the fact that he and I have never been anything but friends…family really; I consider him like a brother.

State Trooper’s usual date is slightly plump, scantily clad, and frequently Asian or Hispanic. His last girlfriend was a Native American, and her voluptuous body was barely contained in any outfit I ever saw her wear. I’d met her on numerous occasions, and her sweet, but vacant looks were typical of his previous “dates.” If they had a few brain cells between them all, a spark was possible. They were also less independent in general, and quite clingy/touchy – feely while hanging out in group settings. Sooooooooooo, while we danced, I wondered what he was up to with me.

The evening ended abruptly during a dance when I felt something funny. I thought I was stepping on uneven tiles on the floor… but no. I had a shoe casualty.  😦

 

shoe casualty

Once the problem was identified, I opted to leave. THE-man tried insisting he walk me to my car. Instead, State Trooper placed his hand at my elbow and guided me to the door. My sister intervened to gently distract THE-man. State Trooper was a perfect gentleman; he hugged me good night, told me he had a great time, and then asked where I liked to go dancing on the South Side. I named a few spots, and he said we should exchange numbers and catch up. I concurred. So far, we’ve texted a few times, but we haven’t set a time to hang out, talk, date…whatever. Perhaps he’s reconsidered now that he’s had time to think about the independent, smart, smart-ass I am.

Lunch at LCDs

Red Zone

I’ve had a hectic week, and I am already behind on writing my dating stories. However, I have to share my latest LCD story.

This past Wednesday, LCD (formerly known as FF) invited me for lunch once again.  I had the time, and I like food, so I said yes. Once again, I was wearing work clothes…with awesome red heels.

Despite the heels, LCD deemed my dress more “age-appropriate.”  Perhaps it is the overall flower pattern that drew his response. The dress has no sleeves, and with it, I wore a fitted, fushia blazer that I ditched while at his house.

age appropriate dress

Age-Appropriate Dress

 

red shoes

Shoes!

One of my aunts is in her mid 60s, and she can still rock a miniskirt and heels. She’s my role model. May I never have to wear “age=appropriate” clothing…whatever the hell that is.

Laying Out the Bait

Red Zone

Ff has been texting pretty much every few days. He’s NOT interested in a Relationship (yes the capital R is intentional) right now. In his view, I could help him from jumping into a new one too soon… Glad to be of service, I guess?  He likes my company. I’m cute, red haired, and have small hands… all of which he likes… and likes joking about.  I’m not sure where that leaves me… but I like him, and I like his company.

Over the weeks, he’s made many veiled remarks about my hand size, and I’m well aware of that joke. I thought it best to clearly state, “I am not into casual sex.”  He was fine with the idea of sharing a friendship. He’s a nice guy and selects fun activities, so I continued to hang out. Why not?

After our 6th or 7th date, he asked whether he could kiss me. He didn’t want to be just platonic friends. Remembering his comments about his future relationships, I iterated: ”I do not do casual sex.”

He insisted he just wanted to kiss. I must admit I was a bit curious. I like FF, and his happy demeanor is uplifting on days when things feel overwhelming. I also like big, tall men; he fits that bill. I learned he kisses well….even if he asks permission first.  😉

Yesterday, after work, he sent me a text and invited me to his house for lunch. I was meeting an online student two hours later, so it was a reasonable offer, and he lives only a few miles from my work. I accepted. I’d forgotten he had only seen me in gym rat clothes. I was dressed for the most part professionally in a pleated orange skirt, denim jacket, blue top…and here’s where I push the professional envelope a bit…5 ¼” orange wedge sandals. I have a shoe weakness. … or strength depending on the way one looks at things.  😀  They are simply too cute not to wear.

orange shoes

When I arrived, he ogled and repeatedly told me he liked my outfit.

While we ate “man stew” a hodge-podge of rice, potatoes, canned soup, and cheese, he threw several hints about needing a nap. There was to be no napping.

Later that evening, he texted again:

“I really wanted to sleep with you today.

I mean literally sleep. There will be no hanky panky. We can cuddle and spoon though.”

He continued, “I’m a big man, and you are a small woman. I’m concerned that I would hurt you.”

Hmmmmm… he’s 6’4” and probably around 230 or so…. I wondered if that was what he meant?  As I pondered whether to ask him, the next text arrived.

“I do mean my cock is large.”

Good heavens!!!  Nice sales pitch, but we’ve only kissed!  I may need to change his name to LCD…  he’s one of the Dave’s of course.

I’m Down

Red Zone

One night I met at group of friends, most of them Naval Officers and their wives, at Sonoma for a meal and glass of wine. The meal, tuna tartare for me, two of them… because they are my favorite, and it is a dish I will rarely make at home. I opted for bubbles to accompany the light fare. After the meal, we headed to Keegan’s to hear some music. I switched to soda as I was driving. Throughout the evening, Navy Doctor Dude, who had been seated two seats away from me at dinner, held a beer, and I know he had at least one glass of wine with dinner. The band was mediocre and LOUD in the small bar space, so most of us drifted to sit and stand around an outer table. Navy Doctor Dude wandered toward me; he was one of two guys to whom my friend the Pilot’s Wife was trying to introduce me.

I was not interested in either man. Both were shorter than my preferred 6’ (sue me… I like tall guys, but 5’ 10” and above usually work if the guy doesn’t lie about his height as they are wont to do on OKC and Match). Both men were leaning toward middle-age spread, Navy Doctor Dude more so than his…competitor? (I really had no idea what my friend had told either of them.) As a gym rat, middle-age spread is not a look I like. Navy Doctor Dude had the added detraction of a blocky head and no neck. The military haircut I usually like made his head look even blockier.

Navy Doctor Dude struck up a conversation….reminding me that he was a DOCTOR of MEDICINE. He’d told me twice at dinner. I didn’t inform him I have a doctorate; I could tell he was impressed with his own credentials… a mere Ed. D. could not compete. I’m not sure if it was the beer, the band, or his natural tendency, but he was LOUD! He asked me what I did for a living three times…proving he was either deaf, inattentive, or both. Because his head swiveled left and right tracking the cute, short-skirted waitresses as we chatted, I was betting it didn’t matter to him in the least what I said. I provided a different answer each time.

When it was time to leave, I said goodbye to my friend and headed for the door. Navy Doctor Dude walked toward me with purpose.

“I’ll walk you to your car.”

I pointed; “it’s right there.”

He pointed, “Mine is across from it.” Fine! Huffy Breath!  We walked across the street, and he stopped at my car.

I beeped the lock, and prepared to open my door. “SL says you’re divorced.”

He leaned on the roof of my biddy-girl car (despite that, it was a good deal… and I have grown to like it quite a bit). His hand covered the top corner of the driver’s side doorway. He leaned toward me, lifted his left eyebrow and said, “I’m down,” with an upward inflection to indicate he was asking me a question as he tilted his head back a little awaiting my response.

I knew what he meant, but I took his left hand from the top of my car, patted it, and said, “Oh. I’m sorry you are feeling down.”

I opened the door and slid in.

He texted me as I drove home, “If you are going to date younger guys, you had better get with the lingo.”

My response: “I teach college freshmen; I knew exactly what you meant. If you want to get ‘down’ with me, you would need to develop some couth, lose some weight, and get a lot better looking.” I sent the text in anger at his arrogance before I could reconsider. Another Ass Hat as my cousin the SeaBee calls them.

Goooood bye EDT471

Red Zone

Just as things were going swimmingly with EDT471, a night of unfortunate events a few weeks ago sent the possible… maybe… could be… r..e..l..a..t..i..o..n..s..h..i..p .. (Please note the lower case letters and many spaces with that word) into a tailspin.

EDT471 is a flirt.  I had noticed it before and was kind of amused and bemused to watch him practice his skills on pretty young waitresses and random women sitting near us when we went out. No big deal, because, his hand was on my shoulder or waist, or my hand was in his. It was clear that a game was afoot; the flirting was just for fun. I do it myself as well…. Not as blatantly, but we all know most women don’t flirt brazenly unless they are serious for fear the men on the receiving end will misinterpret practice for a real come-on.

It started wonderfully. EDT471, his roommate, and I went to Dockside Marina to select fresh seafood. Two pounds of scallops BIG ones, and 4 hefty chunks of fresh tuna later we headed to my house. EDT471 wrapped bacon around the scallops, and I prepared marinade for the tuna. The roommate ate potato chips, and said he was going to lay on the sofa. My friend, Susie , arrived then to ruin his nap. She’s like that.  😉

Each of them had a drink, when I headed out to grill the scallops. I returned inside to find everyone cheerfully chattering away. Scallops cook quickly, so I returned outside. I forgot the tongs…. Sigh… a second trip inside found everyone laughing. I returned outside again to the grill ON FIRE…. Who knew, right? Damn. This was the first meal I had cooked for EDT471; he was going to think I was an idiot. The bacon fat did well as an incendiary device, and the whole grill was blazing. I turned off the propane, grabbed the tongs, and as quickly as I could, removed all the scallops, while trying to avoid the flames. My face was flushed from the heat and the embarrassment as I walked in with scorched bacon-wrapped scallops. Two were downright burnt. :/  Susie kindly called them blackened.

I opened a bottle of white wine that EA had provided earlier. EDT471 continued the banter with Susie, as I loaded up the tuna for the grill. Susie insisted on joining me outside as I grilled.  I like company vs. feeling like the maid who burned food, so I was glad for them to join me. Thank you kindly Susie.

Yowza! An empty stomach and a glass of wine had made me tipsy almost immediately.

We ordered a Lyft to go to the Oceanfront to hear Carbon Leaf. For some reason, they weren’t serving beer/wine, so we went to Catch 31, where my date very solicitously maneuvered Susie out of harm’s way in the jostling crowd of drinkers. I was beginning to feel put out. EDT471 is usually pretty demonstrative. Today’s chaste peck and overt flirting, while ignoring me had me peeved. Alcohol likely didn’t help; however, all the kids were doing it. I didn’t want to be left out. Two of Susie’s friends came up to say hi, and they asked how long she had been dating EDT471.

I was more peeved.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzz: A text from MJ: What are you up to?

Me: Out.

MJ: OK. Have fun.

I threw my date under the bus: “My date is flirting more with my friend than with me!”

MJ:” I wouldn’t do that. :*”

Eeep… no; instead MJ would ignore texts and invitations.

I stopped responding.

Susie looked at me, “Want to hear Wasted Presley? They’re at Tapped Gastropub.”

Yes!

A quick contact to Lyft, and we headed to Tapped, where the guys in Wasted Presley were playing beautiful music to dance by. I asked EDT471 to dance. He refused, but it wasn’t that appealing to be the only people on the floor, so I got it. Susie, EDT471 and his roommate sat in the deep, semi-circle chairs designed for people far taller than I. Instead of burying myself in the chair, I opted to stand. Susie propped her feet in EDT471’s lap.

Susie: “You don’t mind do you?”

Ummm… yeah… but that sounds shitty.

Why didn’t EDT471 say no? Oh… his hands were on her ankles, and tickling her feet inside the light sandals she wore. Well crap… that’s why not.

I stood between their chairs, watched the band, and switched to water vs. alcohol. It was hitting my head, and I was steamed. Not a good combination.

My vantage point allowed me a clear view of the parking lot where a dark Mercedes smoothly pulled into the lot. MJ got out.

“Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!” yes. I used my outdoor voice. Too much alcohol messes with my volume control.

I watched him enter the bar section; I was in the screened outdoor area. He sat and waved to me. Ooooooooooooooh hell.

I walked inside to say hi. Susie joined us.

Suffice it to say, it was all downhill from there. MJ had to be explained to EDT471, and I demanded, not very nicely, I suppose, an explanation for EDT471’s overt flirting. I asked if he wanted to date Susie. His explanation that he was a “natural born flirt” didn’t ring all the way true. He’d always been a gentleman before, and I guess I should have taken his word that he was flirting and tickling Susie’s feet to remove them from his lap. But being steamed, plus alcohol, plus a bird’s eye view of the flirting had left me with little desire to hear that he would “never chase one of my friends in front of me.”  And really… did that mean he would as long as I wasn’t around?  OK… I know I was being a pain to leap to that conclusion.

EDT471 thought it best that we leave Tapped, and he and his roommate head home. He promised a discussion the next day.

The discussion was a telephone repeat of our argument with the same sticking point: his behavior bothered me. We could agree to disagree, but he offered no understanding that my feelings were valid. The end. Annnnnnd another one down….

On a side note, I also called MJ an asshole for his grinning contributions to the night’s debacle. MJ, the Merciless, decided to forgive me… and I forgave him. Our friendship continues; whereas, the r e l a t I o n s h i p with the kind, chivalrous, nurturing (character traits NO ONE would apply to MJ) EDT471 ended with a screeching halt. Life is funny sometimes, isn’t it?

Fish Tales

Red Zone

I love calm, summer mornings on the water fishing … not necessarily catching. I often see guys post huntin’ and fishin’ photos on Match and OkCupid, and I am tempted to post mine.

I have two favorite fishing photos. In the first, I am holding a nice sized bass. In the second, my line is caught in a tree, but I managed to reel in a fish, and it too was caught in the tree. That photo is priceless; however, it is difficult to see what is going on. In the photo below, it is clear.

I’m thinking about making it my dating profile photo. Hee hee. I bet I would get an interesting round of messages.

fish tales

 

Breakfast Dave to Breakfast Dave

Red Zone

I am not sure how he managed it, but a friend of MJ’s saw me with him at South Beach Grille a few weeks ago, and the next day, he contacted me on OkCupid to ask whether I had been at South Beach Grille the previous evening. I had been.

He asked whether MJ and I were dating. We’re not, but MJ and I have had a long friendship. I like to see bands, and going alone attracts undesirables. I also like to dance, and stone cold sober, MJ will dance, so he serves two purposes. I’d seen/met two of MJs former neighbors that evening, and I wasn’t sure which of the two was stalking me. This is stalking, at least on a mild scale…and using mad research skills too. My name is not at all related to anything identifiable, and while I have photos up, there must be thousands of area women on OKCupid. Because he has no photo, MJ’s former neighbor provided his full name and a website for me to jog my memory to determine to which of the two neighbors I was speaking, and to verify his existence, which I did. I asked for his SSN, banking information, and PIN, but he wisely refused. 😉 After such a wonderful start to a budding relationship, LawyerDave, (yes ANOTHER DAVE!) chatted for a day or two, and then disappeared. Standard operating material for OKC contacts.

A week later, he asked me why I had disappeared. I noted that I hadn’t disappeared; my response was the last in our conversational string. He conceded… as a good lawyer will when proven wrong. J The lawyer part explains the mad research skills. He looks really familiar too, so I am pretty sure I have run across him as I’ve wandered through the Halls of Injustices as I continue to deal with the Horrible, Terrible, Very Bad Divorce (sorry Judith Viorst). My lawyer has introduced me to so many attorneys, that I may have even had an introduction in the past. After a few messages back and forth, once again…. LawyerDave disappeared.

The following Friday morning, Golden Retriever friendly Dave, had invited me to breakfast. We met at Big Sam’s and enjoyed eggs over easy, tea, and conversation. He’s easy company and a good walking companion, so we walked the boardwalk after breakfast. I think we’re on date 7, but it is a very causal friendship that we seem to be developing. I suspect I am going to have to stop calling them dates. If not, I may have to call going out with Steel Blue, EA, TWW, and all my other female friends dates. Golden Retriever friendly Dave seems to like the friend-zone, and I am perfectly happy there too.

Later that evening, around 9:30 or 10, I received a message from LawyerDave. The back and forth ended with an invitation to meet at IHOP. By this time it was nearing midnight! EA had arrived home, and neither of us were ready for bed, so I invited her along on my “date.” I couldn’t resist the temptation of starting and ending the day with breakfast dates. EA and I arrived first, and then LawyerDave and his friend J arrived.

I introduced EA. LawyerDave asked what she was really called. EA and I looked at each other.

“EA,” we said in unison.

“You really expect people to call you that? Can’t I just call you E?” he queried in a bleary tone.

LawyerDave hadn’t missed too many drinks that evening.

His friend J smiled at our bemusement.

EA asked, “How would you feel if I called you Da?”

He stared blankly. It took him a second to process the information.

We ordered, and he semi-coherently chatted with our waitress. She was amused by him; he was certainly a pleasant drunk.

“E…..A (he paused weirdly between her names) what would you like?” he asked intending to buy the meals. That was a nice, but unnecessary gesture.

For the next 15 minutes as we waited for the food, we drunk watched … others not LawyerDave…as they arrived from the various closing clubs. EA and I were in the minority…. Fully clothed instead of scantily attired. LawyerDave’s pink button down was the most incongruous though. J’s t-shirt and jeans was standard bar wear for men. As we people watched and chatted, LaywerDave continued to say EA’s name… with a pause that extended it, and an upward inflection on the final syllable to make her name a question.  His friend J has an abundance of wit, and all three of us had the advantage of being stone-cold sober, so we conversed around LawyerDave’s pauses and drift offs.

Finally, the food arrived. LawyerDave added a little syrup to his pancakes; apparently he likes the sauce.  😉

pancakes and sauce

His message to me the next morning was: EA… her full name of course. Then he disappeared again. But I ran into him last night while out to see Krunch with my sister, an old friend, TWW, and MJ.

“Where’s E pause A?” was his first question to me.  😉  I think he has a fixation.

BTW… MJ totally cockblocked the entire evening, a technique I am usually OK with, especially at bars like South Beach, and last night’s selection: Boneshakers.…But that’s for another story.